Another day, another new dating trend! Last week, we covered “monkey-barring.” Today, let’s talk “Shrekking.” Yes, that’s Shrekking as in Shrek, the famed ogre himself. And while we all love Shrek (or, at the very least, I think we all love Shrek 2, which is obviously among the greatest films of the 21st century), I’m afraid this dating trend is not using his namesake in a particularly flattering manner.
As a dating term, ”Shrekking” refers to dating someone you consider below your standards, with the assumption that because you’re out of this person’s league, you’ll automatically have the upper hand in the relationship and will be unlikely to get hurt. To “get Shrekked” is to strategically “date down” in this manner, only to still wind up getting rejected, heartbroken, and/or otherwise screwed over by someone you deemed inferior. As one TikToker put it, “We’ve all been there: We give the guy we’re not attracted to a chance, thinking that he will for sure know what he has and treat us well. And then we get traumatized by a whole troll.”
While I’m usually one to side-eye the “toxic” label we seem to automatically slap on any and all dating behaviors, I’ll be the first to admit that this sure sounds like a whole lot of toxic! That said, I do think this mentality, while unflattering, speaks to some very real frustrations of modern dating that have left many daters justifiably jaded. Let’s unpack, shall we?
Why Is “Shrekking” So Toxic?
Not unlike hypergamy (aka “dating up”), which made the rounds on TikTok a few years back, the concept of Shrekking rests on the notion of a kind of dating pool caste system in which individual daters have a certain “market value” determined by their looks, age, income, and other superficial factors. This perceived value informs the conclusion that someone is dating “up” or “down” or within or out of “their league.” To say that you were “Shrekked” by somebody is to imply they fall beneath you within this dating hierarchy—which is, in a word, icky! (The Shrek of it all seems to more specifically imply that you find them aesthetically inferior, which is particularly mean-spirited and, honestly, not a great look!)
This is not necessarily to say that “looks that don’t matter” or that no such dating hierarchy exists. We do, of course, live in a society. And for better or worse, that society involves class systems and power structures that influence all aspects of life—including dating and relationships. To say that looks, money, and other widely acknowledged markers of societal fitness don’t matter in our sex and love lives would be ignorant.
But just because something is doesn’t mean it’s right, nor does it mean it’s universal. Not only do these rubrics for evaluating where someone falls on the desirability scale tend to intersect with all manner of racist, sexist, ageist, and classist belief systems, but to invoke them as a universal standard applied to dating advice and discourse is to ignore the reality that attraction is extremely nuanced.
Superficial factors like looks, age, income, etc. obviously influence who we’re attracted to—and there’s nothing wrong with that. But real connections ultimately go deeper, and the people who are out here forging those real connections are not the ones crunching numbers to see where they and their potential partners fall in some imaginary desirability ranking system. If you got “Shrekked” because you thought you were doing some poor peasant the grave honor of bothering to have anything to do with them, I’m sorry to say that you might be the problem!
The Real Reason Shrekking Is a Thing
Okay, so obviously this whole concept is gross and dehumanizing. But on a more sympathetic note, let me just say: I get it. I too have found myself falling for someone outside my usual type and patting myself on the back for expanding my horizons, only to wind up romantically disappointed once again and all the more burned this time because, “Oh my god, I wasn’t even that into you!!!”
For women especially, who are generally held to higher beauty standards than their male counterparts, subjected to more criticism for failing to meet those standards, and repeatedly told to lower our expectations (read: sit down, shut up, and expect nothing) in pretty much all areas of life, I can certainly understand how taking the bait, lowering your standards, and still finding yourself on the losing end of the game can be final-straw-level frustrating.
If you’re ‘dating down’ in the interest of securing the upper hand and protecting yourself against heartbreak, you’re dating from a place of avoidance.
But here’s the annoying truth: If you find yourself in a position to get Shrekked, you were never in a position to find real relationship success in the first place. If you’re “dating down” or otherwise dating someone you’re not attracted to in the interest of securing the upper hand and protecting yourself against heartbreak (whether strategically or unconsciously), you’re dating from a place of avoidance. That’s a defense mechanism, babe! (I would know; I’ve got loads of ’em.) And while I do believe women are well within our right to feel the need to date defensively, unfortunately, it’s just not a strategy that’s going to get you very far in the long run. Best case scenario, it “works” and you wind up stuck in an unsatisfactory relationship with someone you’re not actually into and think is beneath you—which is bound to breed resentment on both sides. Worst case? Your ass gets Shrekked.
So if you’ve recently found yourself Shrekked to the curb by some loser you barely even liked, here are some things to keep in mind once you’ve taken a few deep breaths:
- This is not actually about that loser you didn’t even like; this is about you (and likely the people who have hurt you in the past).
- If you are in this situation, it’s because you put yourself in this situation by trying to avoid it. Cruel, I know. But defense mechanisms work great until they don’t! (Again, ask me how I know.)
- This may be a sign it’s time to take a break from dating, reflect on what you really want from your love life and why, and maybe even consider chatting with a therapist to work through some unresolved feelings from past relationships.
Trust me, your frustrations are valid! But if you find them coming out in unflattering attempts to prop yourself up and put others down that ultimately backfire, it may be time to take a step back before you start acting like an ogre.
