Midday lattes are being demonized. At least the idea of grabbing them on a first date is. Personally, I’ve always been a fan of meeting for coffee on date one. It’s low pressure, and presents a perfectly casual environment to connect with someone you barely know. This person hasn’t earned your valuable Thursday/Friday/Saturday night timeslots yet. A coffee date is the perfect precursor to gauge whether they’re even worth a full evening. But on TikTok, this very common date idea has become controversial. People are calling it unacceptable. They’re saying it’s a low-effort sign of disrespect that should be recognized as a huge red flag as soon as it’s been proposed. And all of these slightly dramatic characterizations trace back to one woman’s tale.
A couple of weeks ago, a TikTok user by the name of “Ashlei With An I” admitted that she fully rejected a man because he suggested meeting up for a coffee. “I’m not going to argue with you about how you like to date…but coffee is never going to be an option for me.” In the comments, fellow espresso and chill haters explained that they’re anti because these get-togethers are “low effort.” “Know your worth and stand on it, said one supporter, “Don’t let these pick mes and broke men make you feel bad for it. I would’ve turned it down, too. Asking someone on a coffee date is low effort and insulting.”
I appreciate Ashlei With An I’s insistence that her opinion is a personal one, and should hold no influence on how anyone else likes to date. I also reject the misogynistic haters who found their way into her comment section, claiming that she should feel lucky to be asked on a date at all—pushing a “you should take what you can get” rhetoric that should never be applied to dating. That being said, I am also a staunch coffee date supporter. As Ashlei noted in a later video, they’re low-effort, cost-effective, and incredibly casual, but in my opinion, that’s the beauty of the thing. The logic held amongst most antis is that coffee dates are too breezy, and on date one, they suggest an overall nonchalance about pursuing the connection. Another popular (and might I say heteronormative) take on TikTok rejects how cheap these dates are. That frustration suggests that if a man isn’t willing to spend a lot on you during the very first date, how invested could he be in your happiness further down the line?
But not everyone willing/able to treat you to $25 cocktails is well-intentioned. And this rationale actually doesn’t center your own time and well-being enough for my liking. Why should you have to give up a full night for someone you know little of? I also appreciate how a midday meetup will completely alleviate any post-date assumptions. If you’re not feeling a physical connection, there’s no expectation to go back to your date’s place at 2 p.m.; at 10 p.m., you’re stuck navigating an awkward exit.
Professional matchmaker April Davis thinks those against coffee dates just need to reframe their thinking about them. “Fancy dinners and Instagram-worthy aesthetics don’t guarantee a real connection. They can actually mask it, “ she shares. “You can’t hide behind a romantic atmosphere, great lighting, and a five-star meal on a coffee date. There are fewer elements to distract you from finding out if there’s a real connection between you two. They’re also efficient! A quick 30-minute meetup saves both people’s time if the chemistry isn’t there.”
Dating expert Dr. Wendy Walsh says that she understands why some might be offended about being asked to grab lattes. “Many women like to see a man sacrifice for them,” she says. “Spending money on an official date makes some women feel that they are being courted. It’s an age-old mating strategy that may not always apply in today’s times when many women earn more money than men.”
She still sees coffee dates as a great time-saving lead-up to an evening get-together on date two. But if you’re truly not into the idea, rather than shutting someone down, Wendy suggests making a “communication sandwich.” “Begin with a layer of positivity and then insert the thing that’s harder to say, and then finally, follow it up with another positivity,” Wendy advises. “This keeps the listener from getting defensive. You might say something like: “That sounds like a great idea, but I don’t think I’m ready to try that yet. How about we go (add event idea)? No matter where we end up, it’ll be fun to hang with you.”
There’s no right way to date, which is why you should always abide by whatever makes you feel the most comfortable. But if that’s meeting someone for a matcha latte, it does not mean you lack self-respect. “Coffee dates don’t say you accept the bare minimum,’ April notes. “They say, ‘I value my time, but I also value meeting you.’”
