What Is BDSM? Here’s Your Everything-to-Know Guide for Beginners

Ever seen ropes, blindfolds, or a reference to The Red Room of Pain and thought, “Okay wait, what is BDSM, exactly?” Let’s unpack it, because there’s a lot more to it than corsets and Christian Grey, and it’s actually a much more common practice than you might think.

That said, if you’re new to BDSM, you might be wondering why exactly someone would venture into it, and whether or not being a mysterious billionaire is a pre-requisite. (Spoiler: It’s not.)

“People like BDSM because it’s psychologically and physically thrilling, pleasurable, and fulfills needs, just like any typical sexual act would,” says kink instructor and sex expert Julieta Chiara. And as more people are experiencing how captivating chains and whips can be, it’s crucial to learn how to practice BDSM with care. This kink comes with risks, so knowing how to stay safe is a non-negotiable.

That’s why we’re going step-by-step and talking through the logistics (like negotiation dos and don’ts), the emotional stuff (hi, aftercare!), and the how-tos to figure out if you’re more dominant, submissive, or just vibing somewhere in between.

Whether you’re here out of curiosity or you already Googled “do I need a flogger?”, we’ve got you covered. Grab your leather, your questions, and your boundaries, because we’re bringing you the ultimate no-BS BDSM guide has arrived, and we brought the handcuffs.

BDSM is a specific kind of play that falls under the broader umbrella term of kink. Kink can involve a much larger range of activities, whereas BDSM focuses specifically on dynamics within Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/submission (why yes, the Dom *is* capitalized on purpose), and Sadism/Masochism—which, you guessed it, is what BDSM stands for.

“BDSM encompasses a wide variety of practices involving intentional play with power dynamics and intense sensations,” says Celina Criss, PhD, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM and GSRD (Gender, Sexual and Relationship Diversity). “It is often understood to include role play, fetish, and other practices that aren’t considered ‘typical.’”

BDSM can be physical, emotional, and psychological. Play can include sex, but it doesn’t have to include sex. And while your initial idea of BDSM might be coming from what you’ve seen in movies, Jaime Bronstein, LCSW, relationship therapist at AI-lationship platform Joi AI, recommends forgetting what you’ve seen onscreen. “The best dominance isn’t about holding power over someone; it’s about creating a safe, connected space where both people are fulfilled in real time,” she explains. Translation: BDSM is built on trust, communication, and mutual consent (not manipulation or billionaire trauma).

BDSM relationships involve a Dominant partner(s) and submissive partner(s). This is known as a D/s relationship. The sub willingly and consensually gives up power to the Dom during the play (often referred to as a “scene”). Scenes are co-created between the Dom and sub, and can include a wide variety of different acts.

BDSM play can look like:

1. Spanking/Impact play: Using implements and hands to spank/whip/flog your partner.
2. Bondage: The use of ropes, cuffs, and other restraints.
3. Discipline: Where the Dom disciplines the sub.
4. Humiliation: Using certain words or behaviors to consensually degrade the sub.
5. Worship: Where the sub engages in worship of their Dom.
6. Sensory play: Engaging or restricting the senses to intensify arousal.
7. Various role-play dynamics (Caregiver/little, Pet Owner/pet, Master/slave, etc.)

…And much, much more. BDSM play can really include anything within the realm of consensual power exchange, and that’s what makes it so thrilling.

At its core, BDSM is all about the giving and receiving of control. When we engage in high-intensity activities like pain-play and bondage, our brains release chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline, and cortisol. The rush can be euphoric, explains sexologist Ness Cooper, a sex and relationships therapist.

Adrenaline is the hormone released when our bodies experience a “fight or flight” response. This happens when our brains and bodies perceive that we are in danger. “Pain and pleasure are closely related and processed in the same parts of the brain, meaning that those [who are] into receiving consensual pain can feel pleasure from these BDSM acts,” Cooper says. (Studies confirm this, BTW.)

That said, BDSM is about more than just spankings, chains, and pleasure by way of pain. A large part of its appeal can actually be, dare we say, downright wholesome?

“BDSM is about playfulness, expression, and exploration,” Criss says. It’s an “opportunity to explore your desires and embrace parts of yourself that might not have another socially accepted outlet.” BDSM play offers a place for us to explore our most taboo desires. It’s a safe space to enjoy our sexuality and release shame, which can be liberating on multiple levels.

Emotionally, engaging in these activities can also foster intimacy between partners, as there’s a huge amount of vulnerability and trust involved in the consensual exchange of control.

Pop culture would have you believe that being a Dominant in BDSM means walking around in leather 24/7 while barking orders. And while that dynamic can exist if it’s what both partners consent to and enjoy, real-life dominance is often far more nuanced.

“When people hear ‘Dominant,’ they often picture some over-the-top movie version,” says Bronstein. (Think: Lots of yelling and scary-looking sex toys.) “In reality, it’s usually much more subtle—less about ‘being in charge’ in a forceful way, and more about creating an environment where the submissive feels safe enough to explore vulnerability.”

That means reading your partner’s body language, staying attuned to their breathing and reactions, and adjusting accordingly. As Bronstein explains, “The real dominance grows out of trust; knowing your partner’s boundaries, communicating clearly, and staying attuned to their emotional and physical responses.”

Ultimately, the best Dominants don’t thrive on holding power over someone—they focus on cultivating “power together.” The goal, Bronstein says, is creating a space where your partner wants to hand over some control because they trust you won’t harm them. That’s next-level trust and intimacy.

As the title suggests, a submissive is someone who chooses to relinquish a degree of control to a trusted partner in a consensual, negotiated way. That doesn’t mean lying there silently or just doing whatever your partner wants. In fact, Bronstein says submission is highly active and very much centered around the non-dominant partner.

“Being a submissive isn’t about being passive or weak,” she explains. “It’s about deciding to let go in a safe environment and finding freedom in surrender.” That surrender can be incredibly empowering, especially if your day-to-day life requires a lot of decision-making and control.

One major misconception is that submission = taking a backseat. But in a healthy dynamic, the submissive is actually the focal point. “The submissive’s boundaries, needs, and desires are central to the dynamic,” Bronstein explains. “It only works when both people are deeply in tune with one another.” You might not be calling the shots, but the entire experience (or “scene”) is built around your comfort, reactions, and limits.

In other words: You’re the star, and you’re choosing the terms of control by communicating your limits, staying attuned to your body and reactions, and signaling when something feels amazing or needs to stop (and yes, you can always change your mind).

It’s no secret that we live in a pretty sex-negative culture. We constantly receive false messaging that sex is dirty, or bad. And when it comes to sex that falls outside of the socially prescribed, exhaustingly heteronormative framework—well, let’s just say there’s an actual eff-load of misinformation to weed through.

Let’s unpack some of the misunderstandings that people have about BDSM, because being armed with (actually useful!) information can make play much more accessible, pleasurable, and less intimidating.

Only traumatized people are into BDSM.

Allow us to be very clear: There is nothing wrong with wanting to try BDSM. According to a 2008 study, those who engage in this kind of play are no more “depraved” or psychologically “damaged” than anyone else.

In fact, a newer, 2025 study from Spain found that folks who practice BDSM tend to report higher secure attachment, lower rejection sensitivity, and stronger psychological well‑being than non-practitioners (a far cry from the old myth of kink as “dysfunctional behavior,” IMO). “The notion that only traumatized people like BDSM is harmful,” Chiara says. “BDSM is a very normal human behavior.” Kink is fun, lots of people enjoy it. It’s simply not that deep.

BDSM is domestic abuse/intimate partner violence.

So false. BDSM is all about consent, boundaries, and positive intent—pretty much the exact opposite of abuse.

“Partners negotiate their boundaries and agree to what they are going to do before they do it,” Criss explains. While accidents may happen (because, hello, we’re all humans capable of making mistakes), there is no intent to cause harm or injury to a partner in BDSM.

“Responsible partners have safety protocols in place to prevent this from happening before, during, [and] after any scene,” says Criss. “This means they know what they’re doing and [are aware of] the risks involved. They’ve practiced, learned about anatomy and physiology, keep their first-aid skills up to date, use safe words, and know what sort of aftercare their partner needs.”

You must like pain to enjoy BDSM.

“Almost all BDSM can be modified to be done without experiencing any pain at all,” says Chiara. BDSM is about power-play dynamics. While pain can be a part of it, it really doesn’t have to be. For example, you might enjoy being blindfolded and having a feather run all over your body by your Dom. It’s not painful, but it’s still BDSM.

What’s more, Criss says that pain isn’t a useful metric in BDSM, and that most practitioners don’t even measure sensation this way. Rather, intensity is a more accurate way of thinking about the BDSM experience. That intense sensation “could be thuddy, stingy, or even feather-light,” says Criss.

BDSM is a fetish.

BDSM refers to a variety of sex acts and practices that fall under the broader kink umbrella. A fetish is a specific act or object that a fetishist must engage with during sex in order to be aroused or reach peak arousal state. You might have a fetish for a specific act that falls under the category of BDSM (such as spanking or bondage), but BDSM is a wider range of behaviors, not a fetish in and of itself.

These conversations can be emotionally fraught and intimidating, but have no fear! Introducing the idea of kink to a partner does not have to be scary. Obviously, how you initiate this convo will depend on your relationship and how comfortable you and your partner(s) are with talking about sex, but here are some general guidelines that should help things go smoothly.

First of all, you’re going to want to have this conversation in a neutral, non-sexual place. This isn’t something you should spring on someone in the middle of sex, or even during foreplay, as your partner may feel pressured. Rather, opt for a time when you’re both relaxed, maybe while lounging at home watching TV or enjoying a nice dinner together.

Chiara says to approach BDSM as a point of interest; something you can unpack together, conversationally. “Something along the lines of, I saw/heard of this, and it sounds interesting. I would love to try it. Can we talk about it?” she suggests.

Encourage your partner to bring their fantasies to the table, too. “An essential part of BDSM is being able to have neutral and honest conversations around our desires,” says Chiara.

Also! It’s okay to acknowledge that these conversations can be a little awkward—and doing so might actually help relieve some of that discomfort.

Consent is the foundation of any sexual encounter, but in BDSM, it’s not just a requirement; it’s the whole damn point. Every form of kink, from light spanking to full-on power exchange, relies on mutual trust, clear boundaries, and ongoing communication.

Before you even think about breaking out the rope or paddle, have a detailed conversation about what you’re both (or all) into, what’s off-limits, and what you’re curious about. This kind of communication is often called “negotiation,” and it should happen before any play begins — not in the middle of it.

“It’s really important to understand that BDSM is not about pushing through pain or discomfort,” Chiaramonte says. “It’s about creating a shared experience where everyone feels empowered, safe, and respected.” That means enthusiastic consent for every act, every time, not a blanket “yes” to whatever happens in the moment.

One essential tool for keeping BDSM safe and consensual? A safe word. This is a predetermined word or phrase—often something totally unrelated to sex—that immediately stops the action when said. It’s especially important in scenes where one partner is pretending to be “in control” or “unwilling,” because it creates a clear, unambiguous out.

If you’re new to all this, the traffic light system is a common and beginner-friendly approach:

Green = Everything’s good, keep going.

Yellow = I’m approaching a limit, slow down or check in.

Red = Stop everything immediately.

You can also use hand signals, safe gestures, or other nonverbal cues if your play involves gags, sensory deprivation, or anything that could inhibit speech. And just because you didn’t use a safe word, doesn’t mean your partner did nothing wrong. Ongoing check-ins are just part of safe, consensual play.

So you’ve had the talk, and now it’s time to get into the good stuff. Here are some ways to start actually dipping your toes into the world of BDSM.

Do your research.

If a certain BDSM act has piqued your interest, learn all you can about it. Being able to engage with play safely means expanding your knowledge of all it entails. “Curious about shibari and suspension bondage? Take a class! If you’re interested in Florentine flogging, find someone who does this and ask them to show you how,” Criss says. “Learn about the body. Anatomy, physiology, and first aid are essential to make sure you don’t hurt your partner.”

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

BDSM can be quite complex and risky, which means every scene needs to be thoroughly negotiated and talked through with partners. “You need to know your own boundaries and respect your partner’s boundaries,” Criss says. This means that we need to be aware of everyone’s limits and work within their confines for the duration of play.

Another important note: Not everyone fits neatly into one BDSM box. Maybe you’re a Dom on Tuesday and a sub by Saturday (looking at you, BDSM switches). That’s why it’s so important to talk about your roles before the scene starts. Just because someone likes to be spanked today doesn’t mean they don’t want to be doing the spanking tomorrow.

Go shopping for some goodies.

Shopping for sex toys together can help you and your partner(s) explore and discuss certain acts or scenes you might be interested in trying out in a fun, lower-pressure environment, says Cooper. It’s a chance to co-create an erotic adventure with your partner, one that can make a potentially intimidating experience feel more playful.

Live by the RACK.

In the BDSM world, RACK, which stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink, is king. “In short, this structure explains that safe kink can only be practiced with consent, education, and understanding [of] the risks,” says Chiara. The idea of RACK is not to eliminate all risks (that’s not possible, FYI), but to ensure all parties involved in a particular sex act are aware of the risks and give their informed consent to engage.

Start slow.

“A lot of people start with blindfolds, light bondage, or a little bit of spanking,” says Criss.

Don’t dive right into the deep end with more extreme practices like breath play, rope play, or other forms of edge play. Many of these more advanced acts require a significant degree of skill and training to practice safely.

Find your people.

You can learn a lot about kink by, well, connecting with other kinky people. You might be able to find local kink communities and educators near you to mingle with at events like a “Munch,” aka a casual gathering of kinksters to talk and get to know one another. “BDSM practitioners tend to be into education and community. If there is a group near you, they’re probably hosting play parties, workshops, and mentoring newcomers,” says Criss.

BDSM can involve a lot of intense emotions, which means there can be a bit of a “crash” after play. Aftercare is the set of actions you engage in post-scene to help everyone return to a state of equilibrium. It can “help ground you after a heady mix of feel-good hormones,” says Cooper.

Bronstein agrees: “Aftercare is simply what you do together once the scene’s over, and I’d say it matters just as much as whatever you did before it.” Because play can trigger everything from euphoria to emotional drops once the adrenaline fades, “aftercare is when you both come back down to earth.”

That could mean kisses, cuddles, holding hands, talking about the scene, sharing a laugh, or even just sitting quietly together. Some people might want to take a shower, grab a glass of water, or tend to any bruises or scrapes. “It’s about reconnecting—a process of grounding and supporting each other,” Bronstein says. “The point is to ensure you both feel good about what just happened and to reinforce the trust that allowed you to go there in the first place.”

So before you even begin, talk about what kind of aftercare each of you needs, and be willing to accommodate those needs with care and consistency.

If this all seems like kind of a lot, that’s because it is! There is so much to know about BDSM, and getting informed is a crucial first step for anyone interested in exploring the kinkier side of the street. That said, it’s supposed to be fun, and learning and exploring all there is to learn and explore about BDSM is all part of that fun. Wherever you are in your BDSM journey, trust that there is a lot of fun to be had in your future. Go forth and get kinky, my friends.