11 People Who’ve Who’ve Hooked Up With an Ex Reveal Why They Did It

There is no greater rom-com trope than sex with an ex. Two people who have major chemistry break off their relationship due to unfortunate life circumstances or bad timing, and rekindle their romance at a mutual friend’s wedding/a hometown holiday party/in the grocery store cereal aisle. It’s basically made for TV, but there’s a reason this scenario is so universally relatable: It happens IRL more than you might think. A new report from eharmony found that 70 percent of single Millennials have sex with an ex after breaking up with them. (70! percent!) The survey also found that 73 percent of Millennial adults have rekindled a past relationship, and said rekindled ‘ships were more likely to have improved than worsened. This sounds like good news in theory, but is sex with an ex actually a smart idea in practice?

The short answer: It depends. A spontaneous night with an ex (aka: someone with presumably months—or years—of practice on how, exactly, to make you feel good) might sound appealing, but it also has its downfalls, says Chicago-based psychotherapist Jennifer Klesman, LCSW, author of You Can’t Stay There: Surviving a Breakup One Moment at a Time. “Sometimes, an ex really just wants to hook up, is still confused, or will use you for sex, and that can lead to the potential to be hurt all over again,” she explains. “This can make you feel used, vulnerable, and rejected. This could also give you false hope that they might want to get back together.”

If you’re considering having sex with an ex, Klesman recommends reflecting on the possible consequences (both good and bad) and seeing how you’d feel if each one played out IRL. “What happens if this person only wants sex? Will it hurt you further, will it humiliate you, or are you fine with it just being sex?” she says. “Will you be able to tell your friends, or will you be compelled to hide it from them? Are you in a good place emotionally if this opens old wounds and doesn’t play out the way you want?”

All are valid questions, and only you can know what’s best for you. That said, sex with an ex is nuanced. From spicy, one-time hookups to less-than-ideal emotions (and even mystery illnesses…yikes) post-sex, it’s clear people are having all kinds of sex-periences. So, we asked 10 readers to share what happened when they had sex with their exes, what it was like, and what—if anything—they learned from it all.

1. “About a week after our breakup, my ex and I hooked up. I was under the impression it was the last time, and it felt like breakup sex—all inhibitions gone, no need to hide anything, phenomenal. We’re still together casually from time to time. We got into more experimentation and ass play after breaking up, and honestly, it’s been a really fun outlet for both of us. Turns out, we aren’t on the same page about our futures, but we are still very close and consider ourselves soulmates to a degree.” —Laura*, 33
2. “We were co-workers and we dated for four months. There was build-up before we started dating, and the beginning was fun, but the ending was hard (on my end at least) since we still had to see each other consistently. We hooked up about a month after we broke up, and it happened a couple of times after that. I initiated the connections, but didn’t feel good pretending not to care afterwards. […] Ultimately, I couldn’t deny we still wanted different things even though there was respect, care, and attraction between us. I realized through the experience (and a few others) how much I also wanted a partnership with mutuality, consistency, and more communication.” —Becca*, 34
3. “I was with my ex for a little under a year and I learned halfway through it that he was cheating on his long-time partner with me, and that they had a kid together. I felt super guilty about breaking up a family, but we eventually broke up after I found out he was also cheating on me, too. There were a lot of red flags I ignored because I fell in love. About six weeks after the breakup, I learned he and the girl he’d cheated on me with had also broken up, so he and I hung out. I was depressed, lonely, and still in love. I thought I could change him. We slept together and I immediately knew I had made a bad choice. He wouldn’t even kiss me after. I felt horrible. My body clearly agreed, because the next day I woke up with a horrible stomach bug. I couldn’t stop vomiting and had to go to the ER for fluids. My body was literally rejecting him, and finally, I was aware enough to listen. We never spoke again.” —Isabel, 27
4. “My ex and I dated for six years and the breakup was very difficult, but it needed to happen. It was most certainly a trauma bond. We hooked up once, about two years after [our breakup]. Honestly, I just didn’t care. I wanted to know that I could still get him whenever I wanted, and I did. That was all I needed. I have moved on since.” —Julie*, 33
5. “My husband and I started dating in high school, broke up in college, but started secretly hooking up after our breakup. Now, we’re happily married with a baby! At the time, I knew I was comfortable with him and I definitely got my fix out of it. But then, little by little, our emotional connection started up again. Eventually, I felt like I had become so much more comfortable in who I was, and so did he, and our connection came back stronger than it was before—almost like we had an unspoken agreement to become our own people and come back to each other when we were ready to have a more adult relationship. Since we started dating so young, our relationship felt very ‘high school.’ After our break, it totally changed.” —Steph, 29
6. “It was a same-sex relationship, and initially, it was great—I was always happy with her. But a year into it, I found out she had been cheating on me with her ex. I forgave her and our relationship continued, but I was never the same after that. We broke up, and three days later, she had already moved on. I begged her for one last goodbye sex with me a month later, and told her that even if she used me for sex, it didn’t matter because I still wanted her in my life. I thought I would change her mind about giving us another shot. On what would’ve been our third anniversary, we talked, had sex, and we both cried before even cumming because our emotions were so high. I kept asking her if she was sure we were over, and she said, ‘I’m falling in love with her.’ I was so crushed and pretended I didn’t hear her. I continued touching her, but each touch was so cold and emotionless. We were never the same after that.” —Chance, 23
7. “We were together for two years. My mom passed away and the breakup happened the morning after her memorial—it was messy. I didn’t fully understand it because I was still grieving her loss. For the first month after, I wanted nothing more than for us to get back together. When he came over to pick up his things, we still had physical chemistry and he tried to make a move to hook up, but I wanted to do it on my own terms. We went to his apartment and I left right after, feeling like I had finally made some progress in letting him go. That breakup sex served a purpose for me. I look back and notice the positives in my recovery from then onward. Plus, that breakup prompted me to move to London, which is where I am (happily) now!” —Jazz, 30
8. “I’ve had multiple relationships throughout my 20s, and I’ve had sex with every one of my exes. I think I generally have a hard time letting go. My parents were on-again-off-again throughout the majority of my life, and eventually ended up back together after about 15 years. So, I think I’ve always sort of had hope that we would come back together and it would work out. After some of the breakups, hooking up was a fulfilling, sort of nostalgic, fun and familiar fling. But others meant more and often led to trying [the relationship] again—only to call it quits quickly after, making me go through the breakup all over again. Sometimes it can be fun and easy, but other times it can stir up old feelings and revert you back to a place you’ve already moved on from. At this point, I’m trying to move away from that tendency and cut exes off cold turkey. It seems simpler that way.” —Clara*, 27
9. “We were together for three years before breaking up for college. We didn’t really want to, but we thought it was the best thing even though we were still in love. When we came home for Thanksgiving break, we got lunch, and I realized that I still really loved this guy. I initiated, and the sex was great, but I was still so in love with him that it pained me to feel like a one-and-done hookup, so I went home feeling really shitty. A few months later on my birthday, he flew out and surprised me. We went to Disneyland, talked about our relationship (and that hookup), and ended up getting back together. We’ve now been together for almost eight years!”—Maddie*, 23
10. “We were on-and-off for six years throughout most of high school and college. When we finally called it quits for good, it was really messy and painful because we’d never stayed broken up before, so there was just this expectation that we’d get back together. We broke up in the spring, and hooked up again the following winter. We’d both dated and broken up with other people since our breakup and we were trying to be friends, but things got a little too friendly. I think I was just comfortable with him and looking for some affection, but afterwards, it became clear that he thought we were getting back together. So it was an epic disaster that just dredged up old issues and reopened wounds. The mess got messier, and we couldn’t really talk after that.” —Kara*, 38
11. “My ex and I have remained in the same social circles ever since our breakup. About a year after [our split], some friends were visiting and we all went to a party. At the time, I was still hoping we’d end up back together. Sparks were flying and we ended up hooking up that weekend. But the following week, I noticed my chin was red and tender—turns out I was having my first-ever herpes outbreak! It was awful, but he and I were in close contact through it all. He went and got tested and helped me through it, brought me medicine, and we had dinner. I was out for the count for about two weeks. It’s been over a year since that happened and he and I are now in a really good place. He moved away, but he visited me before he left and we told each other we loved each other, and we still have mutual friends. So even though it was an awful experience, it had to happen to get us here, and I’m thankful to have survived it all.” —Sami, 30