The Funniest Tweets From Women This Week

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The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit. And although the platform has rebranded to X, their humor lives on.

Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their hilarious musings. Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women, and then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.

Thought it was really hip our high school marching band played Blink-182 last night. “It’s nice they play more modern music, ours only played oldies,” I found myself thinking.

Then it hit me.

— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) September 30, 2023

The way people say “It’s just business” after doing something cold & heartless, I’m going to start saying “It’s just pleasure” after doing something warm & kindly, then I will walk off into the horizon whistling

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 6, 2023

“you already told that story” oh so you hate recycling

— trash jones (@jzux) October 3, 2023

A student came to the library to ask about her club funds because her teacher told her to see the bookkeeper. So she came to me. The keeper of the books. This is the cutest thing that will happen to me all day.

— Jessica Malone Grider (@mrs_g_rider) October 5, 2023

I was doing a late night debugging session and I couldn’t figure something out

and then I googled it

and the first result with my answer

was a blog post

that I wrote

— Cassidy (@cassidoo) October 3, 2023

want to get invited to tons of fun, once-in-a-lifetime shows, parties, and hangs? try this trick: going out of town that weekend

— meredith (@dietz_meredith) October 3, 2023

just invested in some stocks. chicken and vegetable. going to be a high yield year for soup

— madimoiselle ♡ (@drivingmemadi) October 3, 2023

growing up in miami i had no idea other kids in the US had to wear coats with their costumes- my friend was showing me his pics and I was like if you’re spider-man why are you wearing a coat and he said because I was in fucking minnesota?

— HELLOTEFI 🐇 (@hellotefi) October 4, 2023

if I didn’t watch the other Chiefs seasons can I jump right in with the Taylor Swift one or will I be lost?

— Alexa (@LexaDelRey) October 2, 2023

Once, when I was being very quiet during an Uber ride—I had just had surgery and wasn’t feeling well—the Uber driver, a man, asked, “Are you mad at me?”

— Amanda Fortini (@amandafortini) September 30, 2023

I saw a TikTok this morning of a woman who didn’t know that lox and raw salmon are different, so she’s been slicing off pieces of raw grocery store salmon for a week now and eating it with bagels and cream cheese

— c a i t l i n (@hello__caitlin) October 3, 2023

Friend making normal wages- “no worries bro, I’ll cover this one. You got next!”

Friend who works in tech making over 300k- “can you Venmo me $3.74 for the sip of my drink you took?”

— mewtru •ᴗ• (@trunarla) October 1, 2023

My skin was breaking out and then you wouldn’t believe this I stopped having cake every day and it cleared right up

— michaela okland (@MichaelaOkla) October 1, 2023

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) October 4, 2023

girls do weird shit when they have a crush like girl why are u watching anime 😭

— Noor ✭ (@Noorthevirgo) October 2, 2023

i’ve gotten really into the idea of getting really into crafting. like im not doing any crafting but the idea that i could? i’m so into it

— Beth McColl (@imbethmccoll) October 3, 2023

Love driving home from TJ Maxx, my car full of $76 worth of absolutely nothing, wolfing down my disgusting little snack mix from a made up company called like “PopFactory Krinkle Snacks Inc” that I found in the same aisle as dog toys

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 4, 2023

The gentleman driving my Uber home from the airport who is an immigrant from Tajikistan gave me the most thoughtful and prideful tour of Pittsburgh and I could not bear to tell him I live here.

— Gisele Barreto Fetterman (@giselefetterman) October 1, 2023

Me: sometimes I worry I’m wasting my 20s

My boyfriend: you are 32

— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) October 3, 2023

for lesbians, it means you exchange flannels and then read Mary Oliver poems while doing home repair projects, hope this helps https://t.co/67XbCuHrMo

— 🌈Dr. Frizzle (@Swilua) October 4, 2023

guys it’s Q4…. only one Q left to do all that stuff we said we were gonna do

— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) October 2, 2023

By age 35 you should have

– A favorite stovetop burner

– A consuming sense of dread

– Seething rage when they rearrange your favorite grocery store

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 4, 2023

seeing a boys handwriting for the first time is one of the most intense experiences of a girls life

— Echo 🔆 (@TheEcho13) October 3, 2023

I yawned in the club last night and my homegirl said “don’t piss me off” 😭

— full-snack developer 🇭🇹 (@notdanilu) October 1, 2023

bed bugs… national boyfriend day… any other outbreaks i should be worried about

— angel delight (@ghoulhag) October 4, 2023

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