The 10 Golden Rules of Healthy Metamour Relationships

In case you haven’t noticed, consensual non-monogamy (aka CNM) is a pretty hot topic these days (emphasis on hot!). But while you’ll find no shortage of information out there on how to have successful non-monogamous relationships with your romantic partners—including, ahem, a certain very smart, very sexy column on this very website devoted ~exclusively~ to that exact topic—one dynamic within the world of polyamorous mating, dating, and relating tends to get a lot less press: the metamour relationship.

For the uninitiated, your metamour is your partner’s partner. “For example, if Emma and John are in a consensually non-monogamous relationship, and John is also dating Rachel, then Rachel and Emma are metamours to each other,” explains relationship therapist Rea Pearson, a sex positive, BACP-accredited counselor and clinical sexologist. Rachel and Emma are both dating the same person, but they are not dating each other. Pearson says the label “metamour” is helpful because it indicates that the person you’re talking about is a part of your polycule, but they aren’t one of your partners.

These relationships can function in a variety of ways and, according to polyamory educator Leanne Yau, founder of Poly Philia, there is no one-size-fits-all for how metamours should interact: “The expectations can be anywhere from ‘let’s hang out on a regular basis’ to, ‘let’s acknowledge each other’s existence, but otherwise never speak at all,’ to ‘only see you at birthday parties or special events, but we don’t really need to hang out outside of that.’”

Some metamours may function in what’s known as a kitchen table polyamory kind of way, where everyone could sit down and have a meal together and/or be friends. You could have a very close friendship with your metamour, or you could operate in a “parallel structure” where you don’t have a relationship with them at all. Some metamours (with benefits) even have sex with each other, but don’t consider themselves partners, adds Cosmopolitan columnist Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for Fun Factory. Basically, there isn’t a wrong way to do it as long as everyone is on the same page.

That said, where there are more people, there are often more inter-relational issues that need to be addressed. There may be no one right way to engage (or not!) with your partner’s other partners, but having healthy and happy metamour relationships still requires a bit of etiquette. Hence why we went ahead and asked some of our favorite experts to draw up these 10 Golden Rules for Metamour Relationships. Whether your boyfriend’s boyfriend is your new bestie or you’ve literally never met your girlfriend’s husband and have no desire to do so, this handy guide to not being the worst will help keep your polycule peaceful.

The Dos and Don’ts of Healthy Metamour Relationships:

1. Do: Relax Your Expectations

Every metamour relationship is a two-way street, so it’s important to remember that your metamour may not desire the same level of interaction that you do. “You can have a preference, but demanding a specific way for your metamour to relate to you isn’t reasonable,” explains Joli Hamilton, PhD, CSE, a qualitative researcher and coach focusing on non-monogamy.

While you may want to nurture a friendship, they may have their own boundaries and limits that need to be respected.

2. Do: Have a Good Attitude

No bad vibes! It’s so important to come to the table with a positive approach and the will to work in collaboration with your metamour, rather than against them, says Hamilton. No snark, no side-eye, no BS. If you’re not ready to at least play nice with your metamours, then you’re probably (definitely) not ready to be in a polyamorous relationship, JFYI.

3. Don’t: Project Your Relationship Problems

Yau says that trouble can arise when you start projecting whatever fears, hangups, or drama is going down in your romantic relationship on your partner’s other partners. Surprise, this can stir up a lot of resentment and frustration that can jeopardize the health and happiness of the polycule.

According to Yau, making sure you take the time to see and understand your metamour as an actual human is an important step in preventing this kind of drama. “The more you can humanize them, the less you’re going to be projecting insecurities unfairly onto them,” she says. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to interact with your metamour in real life, but understanding that they’re just another person who happens to also love your partner is pretty key, says Yau. “Beyond that, it doesn’t need to be that deep.”

Basically, it’s all about taking time to reflect on where your insecurities are coming from and working to resolve them—without putting the blame on someone else. It’s called adulthood, baby.

4. Do: Set Explicit Boundaries

It can be all too easy to blame your metamour when your expectations aren’t being met within your own partnership. When you don’t set explicit boundaries, Hamilton says those needs and desires can become implicit expectations, which can lead to disappointment.

“I see a lot of people get angry about how their metamour is controlling [their partner] when really they have no clear agreements or any process to negotiate, so it’s easier to point to their metamour as the problem.”

When you take the time to get clear about time boundaries and relationship expectations, everyone can stay in their lane and function happily. And if someone isn’t playing by the rules, it’s much easier to identify and resolve the problem when there are, uh, actual rules in place!

5. Don’t: Try to Manage Your Partner’s Relationship With Their Other Partner

Zane stresses the importance of remembering that your relationship with your partner is different from their relationships with their other partners. Spoiler: Trying to manage your partner’s other relationships will only lead to resentment.

Not only is it infantilizing to try to take over your partner’s personal life, says Hamilton, but it also suggests there may be some unresolved insecurities on your part if you feel the need to manhandle your SO’s other relationships.

This is key: The only relationship you have control over is the one you have with your partner. If they aren’t upholding the agreements you have with them, talk to them about it. Otherwise, mind your business.

6. Do: Find the Real Source of the Problem (When Problems Arise)

Yau says that partners in non-monogamous arrangements can sometimes end up blaming metamours for problems in their own relationship that actually have nothing to do with this innocent third party. (Think: Blaming a sex slump on your boyfriend’s interest in your new metamour when really there have been unresolved issues in your sex life you haven’t worked through.) It’s important to look at where the source of the tension is coming from and address it with empathy and honesty instead of just pointing fingers.

7. Don’t: Use Your Metamour to Gang Up On Your Partner

No matter how close of a friendship you have with your metamour, don’t use this as a tool to throw your partner under the bus. It’s literally never cute. “You should be focused on your relationship with your partner, not your metamour’s,” Zane says. “So talk about what’s wrong in YOUR relationship, not BOTH of your relationships. You don’t want your partner to become defensive, which will likely happen if you both gang up on [them].”

8. Do: Know That It’s Totally Okay to Be Friends With Your Metamours

As long as everyone understands the boundaries and is down to respect them, it’s 100 percent fine to have a friendship with your metamour. “Poly people will often hang out with multiple partners, and it can make life more pleasant if the metamours get along with each other,” Pearson says. “It can also mean that time doesn’t have to be split between individuals in quite the same way,” so everyone gets to enjoy more of their lover’s company. A win-win!

If this is something you want, sit down with the polycule and speak openly about it.

9. Do: Address Romantic Feelings for Your Metamours

If you have a close relationship with your metamour, Pearson says it’s possible that you might develop deeper feels for them. If this happens, it’s time to do the thing we all hate doing: Getting vulnerable and communicating openly.

“I would always urge people to have conversations with their partners before pursuing any kind of further relationship with a metamour, just to make sure that no boundaries are crossed and that everyone is on the same page,” Pearson says.

10. Don’t: Play Telephone With Your Metamour

You know how if you have a problem with your BFF, things tend to get about 3,000 times worse if you let someone else in the groupchat to relay that news? Yeah, same goes with the polycule. If an issue comes up between you and your metamour, Pearson says you should avoid using your partner as a messenger. “If they are okay with both metamours being in touch, establish what the rules are, be it a joint WhatsApp group or separate communication, and use that rather than trying to pass messages through the shared partner,” she says. This leaves less room for misinterpretation, which = less room for drama.

Now, armed with this insight, take these sacred commandments of metamourship and go forth and live your best, consensually non-monogamous life. Happy metamour-ing!