Let’s just start by breaking some potentially confusing news: Sexual attraction—even of the over-the-top, can’t keep your hands off each other variety—does not necessarily equal sexual compatibility. Yes, sexual compatibility can include being highly sexually attracted to your partner, but it isn’t exactly the same thing.
Still, it’s all too easy to conflate sexual compatibility and intense sexual attraction—that wild and animalistic need to tear someone’s clothes off and go to town on their body. You want to bone really badly so you’re like: We are a match! In bed, in life, in EVERYTHING!
But Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, says it’s important to take this kind of all-encompassing horniness with a pinch of salt—and a heaping scoop of caution. According to Rowett, sexual attraction doesn’t always mean you’re truly sexually compatible.
Sexual compatibility basically boils down to being on the same page about sex. “It’s when you and your partner share similar views and interests and desires—such as having similar ideas about frequency, what sexual activities one enjoys engaging in, and what new activities would be fun to try,” explains psychologist Laurie Mintz, PhD, a certified sex therapist and author of Becoming Cliterate.
Basically, it’s about shared sexual values and wanting the same things—not just being super horny for each other.
So, how important is sexual compatibility, really? Is this a thing that just sparks and pops, or is there a way to grow your sexual connection? And if you really want to make your relationship work but the sexy-sex just isn’t there, what can you do? Let’s dive in.
What Is Sexual Compatibility?
Sexual compatibility is when you and your boo are aligned when it comes to sex and sexuality. It’s when you and your partner have a strong sexual connection and genuinely enjoy exploring together sexually.
Mintz says some of the following examples can signal sexual compatibility: “If both partners say their ideal frequency is once a week, that signals compatibility. Likewise, if both partners enjoy giving and receiving oral sex, that signals compatibility. [Or] if both partners are interested in trying kink, that would also signal compatibility.” It also includes shared turn ons and turn offs, views on sexual communication, sexual preferences, and expression—and much more. Basically, you’re sexually compatible when you’re both into the same stuff.
Sexual compatibility can, and often does, come along with a strong sexual attraction to your partner, but these are not one and the same. Rather, sexual attraction is a component of the much larger and more encompassing sexual compatibility.
Pam Shaffer, MFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explains that the factors that go into sexual compatibility are quite flexible, assuming both/all partners are committed to finding alignment. “As long as partners value their sexual connection and are willing to be open about what they desire, listen to their partner when they express their desires, and try out new ways to meet those sexual desires,” compatibility is possible.
How Important Is Sexual Compatibility in Long-Term Relationships?
The short answer: Hell yeah, it’s important!
If sex is something that is important to you in your relationship (which it is for most people), then you need to be sexually compatible. Mintz says that a lack of sexual compatibility can lead to a lack of sexual satisfaction in relationships, and research shows that sexual dissatisfaction is related to overall relationship dissatisfaction.
Psychotherapist Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a certified sex and couples therapist, says that sexual compatibility is crucial in long-term relationships because successful partnerships are built on trust, honesty, and communication—which includes being open and honest about sexual desires and needs. “Sharing these desires lets us see if our partners have the same interests,” he says. “If there are sexual differences, it is important to explore sexual adjustments and new interests you can explore together.”
But there is a need for nuance, people! Shaffer says that it is entirely possible that some couples will agree sex just isn’t a priority for them and their relationship—and that is totally valid! In this case, sexual compatibility may not be super important to you because sex isn’t important to you. “It’s not a dealbreaker if both partners agree that it’s not a high priority,” she says. “The most important part is that everyone is on the same page about what role sex plays in their relationship.”
Does Sexual Compatibility Always Just “Happen” or Is There Room for Improvement and Growth?
Sometimes, yes, sexual compatibility just happens. And sometimes it doesn’t! “Sexual compatibility is like any compatibility. Sometimes you get lucky and it’s there instantly, other times it takes a while,” says Rowett. “But regardless of whether it’s instant or not, you need to actively work at it.”
Maintaining sexual compatibility takes work no matter how it manifests. Because even if we have a ton of New Relationship Energy (aka: limerence) at the beginning of the relationship, this usually dissipates. Your high desire state may retreat back to its normal levels after a time, leaving you feeling like you’re not as sexually compatible as you once were. Likewise, you may find that, over time, you develop new kinks or sexual interests that leave you feeling disconnected from your partner. For the vast majority of people, finding compatibility is an ongoing journey. As Philips puts it, relationships are dynamic—they shift and grow along with our desires and sexual interests.
Mintz notes that these changes and shifts do not, however, spell doom. “Couples can work to compromise and communicate and find solutions, either alone or with the help of a sex therapist,” she explains. “Indeed, couples often compromise about other life issues (child rearing, money, location to live). Yet, we have a false belief that sex is static and set in stone when, in fact, it’s simply another topic that can often be worked through.”
Basically, where there is a will, there is a way. If you and your partner are both committed to maintaining your sexual connection, you can make it work.
Of course, some people just really are not sexually compatible at all and even though they want to make it work, they just can’t find common ground. It’s completely valid to end a relationship under these circumstances. You are the captain of your own ship and only you and your partner get to decide if this is something worth working on. Everyone is different.
Are You Sexually Compatible? 25 Questions to Ask Your Partner
Whether you’re sexually compatible from the jump, are finding your compatibility waning, or you never really had it in the first place, here are some expert-approved questions to ask your partner to determine whether you’re sexually compatible. These questions can also be used to help grow sexual compatibility.
Remember to come to the conversation (and these questions) with openness and curiosity.
- What does sex mean to you?
- What does pleasure mean to you?
- Do you want to be monogamous, open, or polyamorous?
- What is your relationship preference?
- How often would you love to have sex?
- What are your turn offs?
- What are your hottest turn ons?
- How important is sex to you in a relationship?
- Are you open to us working on our sex life or do you think it should just happen naturally?
- Are you into sex toys?
- Are you into kink or BDSM? Or would you be open to it?
- Do you have any fetishes?
- Do you have any sexual hard limits? What are they?
- What’s on your sexual bucket list?
- How often do you get tested for STIs?
- What kind of protection/safer sex practices do you use?
- How easy is it for you to communicate about sex?
- Are you more of a sex in the morning or the evening (or afternoon) kind of person?
- What are some of the things that turn you on the most?
- What are some of the things that turn you off or distract you when you’re wanting to have sex?
- What are some of your favorite ways to give your partner pleasure?
- What are some of your favorite ways to receive pleasure?
- In your last long term relationship, how often were you having sex? Was that feeling good for you or did you want more or less?
- How do you like to initiate sex? How do you like people to initiate with you?
- Where do you like to have sex the most?
5 Expert-Approved Ways to Increase Sexual Compatibility
1. Understand Your Own Sexuality First
Connecting to and discovering who you are as a sexual person is crucial to this process. Consider your own pleasure—how you achieve it and what you enjoy.
Rowett says that many of us tend to unconsciously “outsource” to our partners, expecting them to meet every single need we have rather than taking responsibility for our needs. “So many people, women and vulva havers in particular, get stuck in cycles of overgiving, losing themselves in their relationship, focusing more on their partner’s sexual satisfaction than their own, and then wonder why they feel resentful.”
By figuring out your turn ons, kinks, fantasies, etc., you can really begin to take ownership of your own sexuality. This can make a sexual connection with another person so much stronger.
2. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
We cannot stress this enough: Your sex life is doomed if you don’t actually communicate openly with your partner about sex. “And this needs to be done in an open, non-judgmental way,” Mintz says. “We know that couples who communicate about sex have better sex. And, if it gets too difficult, consult a sex therapist.”
3. Try the Apps
No, not the dating apps. There are apps specifically designed for couples who are working to improve their sexual connection. Building sexual compatibility is about getting on the same page, and that starts with communication.
Mintz suggests checking out Spicer, Honi, and Own Your Sex. “Some (e.g., the first and last) only let you know where you are compatible (vs. not) but this could be great to discover shared interests that a couple is overlooking, didn’t think of, or is hesitant to discuss,” she says.
4. Read Books/Do Your Research Together
Exploring sex-help books/articles/other resources with your partner can help you map out your desires and find a way forward together. “My personal favorite that I’ve used with many clients is Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski,” Shaffer says. “It helps you unpack your own sexual landscape and better understand your partner’s as well, so you can find practical ways to join each other in your sexual journey.”
5. Take Turns
If you and your partner are interested in different things sexually, take this as an opportunity to compromise. Take turns. It’s really that simple. Alternate days or weeks (depending how often you have sex) focusing more on what each of you is into. This allows both partners to have their needs met while staying open and curious to sexual activities that may not top their own list.
Remember, the most important thing in determining whether you and your partner can grow and cultivate a bomb sexual connection is the desire to grow that bomb sexual connection. If you’re both in this together, you can make it happen.
Gigi Engle is a COSRT-registered, GSRD-accredited sex and relationships psychotherapist, sex coach, sex educator, and writer.
