Hi, QQ: Why Am I Always So Horny?

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First of all, let’s get one thing crystal clear: Being horny is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s kind of the best. According to psychotherapist Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a certified sex and couples therapist, a high libido can enhance intimate relationships, help lay the foundation for sexual creativity and curiosity, and all-around make you feel alive. All great things! You simply love to hear it!

But while horniness is often *lots* of fun, you might sometimes find yourself wondering: Hey, why on earth am I the horniest horndog on the planet, basically all the time?

Well, if you’ve been feeling like an uncaged sex beast, ready to tear the clothes off of your partner (or any hottie with a body, really), at a second’s notice, there may be some social, biological, and psychological elements contributing to this state of (almost constant) horniness. So if you’ve been feeling like all the orgasms in all the land are not enough to quell your burning, unquenchable desire, step right up! We have all the answers you need.

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Now, before we do a deep dive into the factors that might be contributing to a high libido, we should first point out that libido can fluctuate greatly throughout your life and depending on various circumstances. There really is no “normal” when it comes to horniness, despite what some BS societal norms may have led many of us to believe. ICYMI, our society tends to demonize women and AFAB people who have higher sex drives (JFYI, we’ve already broken down why calling it a “drive” is actually a misnomer). Women who enjoy sex are regularly painted as “hypersexual” or “nymphomaniacs”—their sexuality vilified and policed in ways cis male horniness usually is not (especially for straight men). These attitudes are so harmful in so many ways and for so many reasons and they need to stop. The sooner we embrace the horn, the better.

So, in the spirit of celebrating horniness in all its forms, let’s break down how libido actually works, whether or not you can ever be “too horny,” some factors that might be amping up your libido to legendary heights, and what you can do about this state of affairs should you want to adjust your horniness levels.

First of All: Here’s How Libido Works

Libido is—in a word—complicated, and understanding how it functions can help explain why it might be high. Basically, libido is born out of a complex mix of biological, psychological, and social factors. This is known as the bio-psycho-social model of human sexuality, and it’s important to understand because it can shape the ways we see ourselves, our sexuality, and our relationships.

“It is not as simple as high or low libido, and to just put someone in one category without looking at the complexities of sexuality can be detrimental to one’s understanding of themselves and/or their partner,” says sex therapist Nicoletta Heidegger, host of the Sluts & Scholars podcast. (To learn more about libido, hop on over to this in-depth analysis where we explain it all.)

The ways in which we view a high desire for sex has a lot to do with our beliefs about sex and our core values. “If someone enjoys a lot of sexual connection, has partners who also enjoy and support that, and has a lifestyle that prioritizes pleasure, that can work,” says Heidegger. On the flip side, if we have negative views of our high sexual desires, it may cause us to believe there is something wrong with us. This can be highly damaging to self-esteem.

Real talk: Your libido is only “too high” if it’s negatively impacting your life. “There isn’t a level of arousal that defines ‘too horny,’ but sometimes frequent and/or intense arousal can cause subjective distress,” says sex therapist Bailey Hanek, PsyD, a consultant for the Between Us Clinic.

Basically, if being horny is making it impossible for you to do your job, concentrate on anything else, or engage normally with friends and family, it might be an issue worth exploring. Keep in mind that this isn’t the case for the vast majority of high-libido people. Most folks with a high sex drive are perfectly capable of going about their normal lives, only with a more robust sex life (either partnered or solo).

Hanek also points out that while “out of control sexual behaviors” can happen, they are highly treatable with a skilled practitioner who knows how to work with individuals in a non-pathologizing way, focusing on nervous system regulation rather than shame-based models like 12-step programs, which are not the evidence-based way to treat these issues.

“With a specialist, you will get to explore your concerns, your sexual narratives, your core erotic beliefs, and your desire patterns,” Heidegger adds. “This will help you get to the root of the issue, not just the symptom.”

Is Being Horny All the Time Normal?

The beautiful thing about the human condition is that there is no “normal.” What’s normal for you, horniness-wise, is entirely subjective and will depend on your own mental state and experiences. In some cases, having a high libido can feel stressful—especially if your partner has a lower one than yours, but that doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with it (or with you!).

Let’s Ditch Terms Like “Hypersexual,” “Nymphomaniac,” and “Sex Addict”

These terms aren’t just unhelpful, they are actively harmful. When we paint others or ourselves with pathologizing labels like “hypersexual” or “sex addict,” we are immediately leaning into shame and dysfunction. Sex addiction is not a term recognized by either the DSM or the ICD, the US and UK’s diagnostic manuals, respectively. The evidence is simply not there to support this as a diagnosis.

Meanwhile, words like “hypersexual” are often used to code women with high libidos as problematic and “broken”—even when their desire for sex is well within a normal range. Calling women, femmes, and AFAB folks “hypersexual” (or worse, “nymphomaniacs”) further perpetuates the pervasive and wholly incorrect idea that men or AMAB people “want sex” more than women and AFAB people do. This just isn’t accurate at all.

Rehashing this myth only further shames and pathologizes people—including men and AMAB ones. Because, according to these twisted stereotypes, if you’re a man or AMAB person and you don’t have a raging boner literally all the time, you’re also labeled as “weird” or “broken.” When we use such limiting and gender-coded definitions of “normal” libido, everyone loses.

12 Reasons You Might Be So Horny

Here are 12 factors that can contribute to higher libido, based on the bio-psycho-social model of human sexuality.

Psychological Factors

A heightened awareness of sexual cues

You might simply be someone whose brain interprets sexual cues more sensitively. “Some people have a more sensitive system for detecting sexually relevant information in their environments,” Hanek says. Meaning, you see certain things (or experience them) and your brain receives these messages as sexually charged.

Anxiety or depression

While having anxiety or depression often leads to a lowered libido, it doesn’t always. For some, dealing with mental health problems can actually heighten sexual urges. The reasons for this are largely unknown, but it is likely connected to a longing for connection and intimacy.

Relationship quality

When we’re in good relationships where we feel both safe and able to explore our sexuality, we build a context to foster desire. This combined sense of stability and playfulness with our partner(s) puts us in a better position to want to explore sexually. Our nervous systems are in a state of calm, but our reward hormones (like dopamine) are still going strong.

Social Factors

Frequent masturbation

As we’ve mentioned, sex drive is actually not a drive. Our desire for sexual stimulation is built out of a reward system. Research has shown that the more we engage with sexual touch, the more we want it. So, if you’re masturbating (or having a lot of sex), you’re likely to want more of it. This is completely normal.

Situational factors

Our sexual desire is largely context-dependent. So whatever specific circumstances you find yourself in, both in the immediate and within a particular stage of your life more broadly, can really impact libido.

New relationships

New relationships are often laden with intense emotions and neurochemicals that can lead to increased libido.

Frequent erotically charged situations

“Being in sexually charged environments tends to increase arousal.” Hanek says. So if you’re, say, regularly hitting up sex parties, strip clubs, or other sex-positive spaces, don’t be surprised if that libido starts humming.

Being around people you find stimulating

When we’re around people we find sexy (either physically or psychologically), this can jumpstart sexual desire.

Biological Factors

Hormones

“Hormones such as testosterone can cause a high libido,” Philips says. “People who engage in sex often most likely have higher testosterone levels.”

Pregnancy

During pregnancy, estrogen increases, which may lead to a higher sex drive. With pregnancy, women and AFAB folks may also experience an increase in clitoral sensitivity and increased vaginal lubrication.

Diet

While the science is far from rock solid, some foods are considered “aphrodisiacs,” or libido-enhancing. “Certain foods, supplements, and spices can contribute to higher libido [such as], ginkgo biloba, red ginseng, saffron, pistachio nuts, chocolate, honey, and oysters,” Philips says. Even if they don’t ~technically~ work (the science just isn’t that sound), the horniness can still happen if you believe it will. Nothing wrong with a little placebo effect!

Alcohol use

Alcohol may increase sex drive because when we drink, our inhibitions are lowered. When we’re feeling bolder and less self-conscious, we’re more likely to seek out sex. With that being said, alcohol has been shown to decrease genital responsiveness, so even if your inhibitions are lowered, you’re less likely to orgasm. Whiskey dick isn’t just colloquial, folks! It really happens.

Your menstrual cycle

People who menstruate often report being hornier during different points in their cycles. “The menstrual cycle changes hormones and can activate sex drive,” Philips explains. During ovulation, for example, we may be hornier because of hormone changes that push us towards fertilization. In other words, our bodies sense that it’s baby-making time and want us to Get. It. On. Science is wild.

How to Deal With Extreme Horniness

Again, there’s really no such thing as being too horny. But if you’re looking to manage your horniness levels, here are some expert-approved ways to take the edge off.

Get yourself off (or have sex)

Look, if you’re feeling super horny, go rub one out. There is nothing wrong with self-pleasure, and getting it on (with yourself or with a partner) is a pretty trusty way to get that randiness out of your system (temporarily, anyway).

Find new sexual outlets

Heidegger says that if we’re horny and crave the touch and attention of another person, we can always find alternative ways to engage sexually. Try phone sex, sexting, or even virtual video sex.

Practice mindfulness

Hanek suggests trying mindfulness, as it can help us feel safer and more grounded in our bodies. “Practice mindfulness to strengthen your ability to refocus your thoughts and energy,” she says. When we’re mindful, we can remove some of that energetic, distracting buzz that comes with horniness and lower the intensity of those feelings.

Exercise

In case you needed another reason to hit the gym, working out is an amazing way to release energy and dissipate feelings of intense horniness. Exercise helps to release dopamine and oxytocin, both of which are central in sexual release, which means that getting a workout in can leave you feeling (almost) as euphoric as an orgasm. (In fact, in some cases, sweating it out at the gym can *literally* lead to an O. Ever heard of a gymgasm? Now you have 😏.)

Whatever you choose to do with your horniness, the takeaway here is that having a high libido is entirely normal. There are some instances where our sexual behaviors may start to feel out of control, but if this does happen, it’s totally manageable.

The truth is, many of our feelings about “being too horny” are rooted in shame-based, sex-negative societal attitudes around “normal sexual desire.” Guess what? That’s BS. It can be extremely empowering (not to mention fun) to embrace our libidos, take responsibility for our own sexual fulfillment, and find ways to feel happy, nourished, and satisfied (both emotionally and sexually). So with that, kindly take this as your formal invitation to go forth and live your horniest life.

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Gigi Engle

Gigi Engle is a writer, certified sexologist, sex coach, and sex educator. Her work regularly appears in many publications including Brides, Marie Claire, Elle Magazine, Teen Vogue, Glamour and Women’s Health.

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