Being polyamorous can be a little…tricky over the holidays, to put it delicately. Trust me, I know from firsthand experience. Two years ago, I had two serious partners: a boyfriend and a girlfriend. In early November, I had sit-down conversations with each of them where we agreed I’d spend Christmas with my girlfriend and her family, and New Years with my boyfriend. (Simple enough, right?)
They both thought it was fair, but the week between the holidays, my girlfriend was getting jealous that I was “spending more time with my boyfriend,” and my boyfriend got upset because he felt like I was spending more time with my girlfriend!
When I tell you I almost screamed…
Remember: We’d agreed to this. Their feelings were valid—and I know the holidays can bring up some complex emotions—but also: Are you kidding me? I didn’t go home to my family that year so that I could be with them, I’d spoken to each of them beforehand, and I’d worked so hard to make sure they both felt attended to. Truthfully, I wanted a little goddamn credit.
Since then, I’ve spent the holidays with my family—sans partners—to avoid similar situations, but I also know that’s not sustainable long-term. Besides, I do want to spend the holidays with the people I love, and that includes my partners. But this all goes to show that navigating the season (aka, the polydays) as a non-monogamous person with multiple partners can be challenging. And I haven’t even gotten to dealing with your own family yet—more on that later.
To prepare you for what may lie ahead, here are eight things polyamorous folks can probably expect this holiday season, featuring some tips for dealing with the the all-too-stressful-yet-still-incredibly-heartwarming polydays.
1. Aunt Cheryl, a four-time divorcée, will insist that polyamory never works out long-term.
Or that you don’t need to “label” yourself if you’re just sleeping around with everyone. (FYI, when I came out as poly, my mom literally said, “You can just be a slut. You don’t need to make it this big ordeal!”) You honestly have to laugh at Cheryl’s lack of self-awareness and shameless hypocrisy. That’s the only way to deal with her, because if you actually engaged, you’d end up pulling your hair out.
2. You’ll have a minor panic attack when deciding whether or not to get your metamour a gift.
One of the age-old questions among polyamorous people: Do you get your metamour (your partner’s other partner) a gift? If so, what should you get? Personally, I think it depends on your relationship with your metamour. If you have no relationship with them because you participate in parallel polyamory (meaning you never hang out with your metamour), I think gifting them a present may come off as trying too hard. But if you have an amicable relationship with them, then yeah, get them something! Why not? Everyone likes gifts!
3. Your parents will accidentally call your partner by your other partner’s name.
At least, this is something my parents have done. They justified it because according to them, I had “too my partners to keep track of.” (I had a total of two partners…one man and one woman.) Hopefully, your partner takes it in stride. You just…have to laugh.
4. You may feel jealous or a little down in the dumps.
We all experience sadness and jealousy. We’re human, for God’s sake! Still, it’s important to differentiate when your jealousy is a “me” issue from when it’s an “us” issue. Sometimes, your partner might be doing something to make you feel insecure in your relationship—maybe they’re being distant or not responding to texts. When that’s the case, it’s an “us” issue; there’s something they can do to make you feel more secure in the relationship.
Other times, your jealousy is—not to be an asshole here—a “you” issue. If the mere thought of your partner being with their other partner during the holidays unleashes the green-eyed monster, that’s something that you, as a poly person, should probably work on considering it kind of comes with the territory. Think twice before dumping your feelings on your partners, expecting them to “fix” something that only you can really fix. (Remember, your partner isn’t just a need-fulfilling and validating machine.)
5. You’ll be hit with some unexpected compersion.
Yes, you may feel a little jealous, but you may also experience compersion (vicarious joy seeing your partner having a joyous moment with one of their other partners). For some folks, compersion comes naturally; for others, it’s a learned skill, and you actually have to consciously practice it. And during the holidays, that practice may just pay off. Instead of feeling jealous that your partner is having a special moment with their other partner, you’re actually genuinely happy for them.
6. You will get multiple (probably great) gifts from your partners.
The math is simple: more partners, more presents. (It also means you have to gift more presents to your various partners, but let’s not focus on that.) Also, poly people are just better at giving presents. From mine, I’ve received designer latex kink gear, engraved rings, and an air fryer that has changed my life. I don’t know why we’re such good gift-givers, but it’s undeniable that we are, and I’m thankful every time I make dinner. 💖
7. You will accidentally call your partner’s dad by your *other* partner’s dad’s name.
Okay, maybe my family is just really bad with names, so I can’t come down that hard on my mom for confusing my partners’ names because I’ve done the same thing… only with my partners’ parents. (It’s definitely more awkward than your parents confusing your partners, I can tell you that much.)
8. You will feel so much love that your little heart may burst.
Polyamory can take a lot of planning, emotional labor, and tough conversations—especially during the polydays—but there’s a reason why we remain polyamorous even though it can be a lot harder than monogamy: We get to have multiple loves! We have more than one person who makes us laugh, who cheers us up, who knows how to make a decision when we’re hangry and shouting, “Just pick something!” This is why we deal with the cons of being poly—because the upsides are worth it all, every time.
