6 Surprising Things I’ve Learned About Non-Monogamy From Dating Porn Stars

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One of the things I love most about being polyamorous is getting to know new people on a deep, intimate level, even if I already have a primary partner. I don’t have to worry if I start to catch feelings because if we’re on the same page, I’m allowed to act on those feelings. We can still date! And fuck! I love it here!

Thanks to my career as a sex writer, I’ve also had the pleasure (pun intended) of meeting, befriending, dating, and hooking up with a dozen or so porn stars over the past few years. While I already knew porn stars were generally awesome from working in the sex industry, I really didn’t expect that I would consistently connect with them emotionally, intellectually, and physically. Every single porn star I’ve ever hung out with has been an absolute gem, and I’ve been lucky enough to learn so much about their industry and lifestyle through what they’ve been happy to teach me. These connections have also taught me a ton about myself and the kinds of relationships I want with my partner(s).

Of course, every porn star is different. I’m not trying to generalize or fetishize; these are just my experiences with the ones I’ve met. At the end of the day, porn stars are just regular people looking for love and healthy connections like the rest of us. And I find they’re often better at dating—for the reasons you may think but also for some you might not, all of which I’m outlining for you here below. My gift to you. You’re welcome.

1. Successful Porn Stars Are Go-Getters Who Work Hard

Even before getting to mingle with porn stars, I anticipated they’d probably be creative, business savvy, and hardworking, and I’ve found this to be true of the ones I’ve met. It makes sense—it’s not easy to succeed in their industry. Beautiful people are a dime a dozen in Los Angeles (basically the porn capital of the U.S.), and with the economy the way it is (read: rough), everyone and their mother has an OnlyFans now. To say the market is oversaturated would be an understatement, so to distinguish yourself and climb the ladder, you need to think outside the box, know how to market yourself, and work your goddamn ass off (both literally and figuratively).

Coincidentally, I find a good work ethic very attractive. I love when people have goals and make shit happen. I once had a partner leave our date early because she had a videographer coming the next day to record her doing four straight hours of custom masturbation videos for her OnlyFans subscribers.

2. They Can Handle Jealousy…

…and a lot of (poly!) people can’t. Even some of my own past primaries have gotten jealous when I’ve told them about my sexual shenanigans with others, and that was an agreed-upon part of our dynamic. Sure, jealousy is natural and something you can work on independently and with your partner(s), but honestly, it’s exhausting to always have the same conversations. I’ve often felt like my partners and I hit a wall and no reassurance or behavioral modifications on my end can make them feel more secure. And although I don’t think it’s their intent, their protests of my behavior have come off, well…slut-shame-y, which really doesn’t make me feel good about myself.

Clearly, we just weren’t a match, but this has never been a problem with the porn stars I’ve dated. In fact, they’ve often had similar issues dating “civilians”—what porn stars call us regular folks who don’t work in the industry. Civilians often think they can handle dating a porn star, but then become possessive, jealous, angry, and shame-y because they ultimately can’t adjust to or accept their partner’s work. It’s one of the reasons why many porn stars prefer to date and hook up with other porn stars.

People assume that porn stars are forced into porn somehow; like it’s a last resort.

I’m not saying all porn stars are immune to jealousy. Everyone’s different, and again, it’s only human. Also, not all porn stars are poly. I have friends in porn who are monogamous with their partner off set, and friends who have very little sex when not filming. They aren’t porn stars because they love sex, per se, but because it’s their job and when successful, a very lucrative one. But I will say that the porn stars I’ve dated have not only felt compersion toward me but legitimately get turned on by my sexual adventures, wanting to hear about them in graphic detail…the kind I’m all too eager to provide. I love hearing about their work and their other partners too. Many performers have been in the business for a while, so they’re not new to non-monogamous arrangements and have previously worked through jealousy with their own partners.

It’s refreshing (and way less emotionally laborious) to feel understood and accepted in this way. And once I realized how good it felt not to have the same conversation over and over again, it became clear that the ability to process jealousy in a mature way is something I want to look for in everyone I date moving forward.

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3. Porn Stars Are Better at Being Friends With Benefits

This maturity might also explain why the porn stars I’ve dated are exponentially better at navigating friends-with-benefits arrangements than civilians. They’re in another league—partly because they’re used to having incredible sex with lots of people and not catching feelings. It’s an innate part of their job. And even though they’re still having sex with someone and that person should be treated with respect, they’re not doing it because they’re emotionally attached. Imagine if you shot porn and fell in love after every scene—you’d be a mess! Anyone would. So porn stars have to be present sexually and emotionally when they’re working, but when they’re off the clock, they’re not hung up.

I love being able to have a deep connection with someone when we’re together but then enjoy the freedom to live our lives separately when we’re not—another quality I prioritize in my own relationships now.

4. They’re Open-Hearted and Never Judge

Remember: Sex workers in general are constantly stigmatized and judged by closed-minded people who think they’re immoral or sexually irresponsible or about a million other terrible things that absolutely aren’t true—preconceived notions rooted in sexism and homophobia. People also assume that porn stars are forced into porn somehow; like it’s a last resort and something nobody would ever willingly want or choose to do.

For what it’s worth, not one of my porn star friends was “forced” into porn. They all chose it willingly and continue to choose it daily because they prefer it to working in a cubicle at a 9-to-5. (And some still have more traditional jobs on the side as well—one of my best friends is a drug addiction counselor who also does porn.)

Knowing how shitty it feels to be perceived this way, porn stars tend to judge others less for their lifestyle, especially when it comes to who and how people have sex, date, and love.

It’s affirming to date someone who doesn’t bat an eyelash when I say I had an MFMFM that afternoon.

I’ve been judged by alleged friends, partners, and strangers for my lifestyle for years, so it’s incredibly affirming to date someone who doesn’t bat an eyelash when I say I had an MFMFM that afternoon. On one of my first hangs with a porn star friend, we spoke in graphic detail about one of my more, ahem, aggressive kinks—one that usually makes people’s jaws drop. (A story for another day…maybe in another column. 😇) “Oh, that’s hot,” she said casually, before asking if I wanted to do it with her. (And do it we did.)

5. They’re Not Biphobic

Even though it’s 2023, there is, unfortunately, still a ton of biphobia in the porn industry—and in society in general! I’ve heard from bi male porn stars that some studios refuse to work with them even though they are on PrEP and get tested for STIs before each shoot.

But the women porn stars I’ve met aren’t just more accepting of bi men—they’re actually way more open to dating us, which is incredibly refreshing considering that the vast majority of cis women I’ve tried to date say they aren’t interested because I’m bi. They tend to think I’m more likely to cheat, actually “just gay,” or that I’m spreading STIs like they’re going out of style. It’s hurtful. My porn star friends don’t think this way, partly because people make assumptions about them all the time, and they know those assumptions are bullshit.

6. And Last but Not Least…

They’re also fucking amazing at sex.

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