32 Ways to Have an Orgasm

A 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy claims that under 40% of people with vaginas need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. Psychotherapist Amanda Luterman, founder of the Center for Erotic Empathy in Montreal, says a more accurate number is closer to 100%. “Having sex with a vagina is the equivalent of never touching the head of the penis when having sex. It’s like only stimulating the shaft,” she explains. Of course, rubbing the shaft without touching the more highly sensitive zones of the penis would be pleasurable and relaxing, but it would likely not lead to an orgasm. Same goes for the vagina and clitoris: It can be pleasurable and exciting to be penetrated, but without any contact with the clitoris, orgasms can be few and far between.

Not all clitoral stimulation looks the same, though. During penetrative sex in the missionary position, it may look like there’s no clitoral stimulation, but the grinding of the pelvic bones actually plays a key role in arousal. Larger penises or dildos may actually make it more of a challenge to reach orgasm in this position because the size prevents it from going as deep, which means there’s less opportunity for pelvic rubbing.

If that’s the case, Luterman suggests incorporating some vibration to stimulate the clitoris during penetration. She recommends a vibrator you can cup in your palm or a vibrating ring for your partner to wear around their penis or dildo so that the toy doesn’t interfere with all that good insertion.

If you find yourself getting close to orgasm but can’t seem to get past that “I’m so close, wait not it’s gone” hump, an arousal gel might be the final push you (and your vagina) need. Essentially, these lubes and gels enhance sexual sensations, making it easier to climax.

Erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven, Taylor Sparks, explains that arousal gels work by opening your blood vessels which amps up oxygen delivery and blood flow to the genitals. “This increases sensitivity and vaginal secretions to intensify orgasms,” she previously told Cosmopolitan. This means you get wetter, and your climaxes come easier while you come harder. Think fireworks instead of sparklers, ya feel?

Never underestimate the power of a good tease. Touching the outer lips of the vulva, known as the labia majora, may not result in an orgasm on its own, but there’s a lot of value in slowing down and paying some attention to the full range of your genitals.

“Incorporate the fleshy deliciousness of touch, which is very erotic for people,” Luterman says. For a primo tease, she suggests having your partner reach down to your vulva, using their index and middle fingers in a “v” shape to rub either side of the inner and outer lips.

If you find that your clitoris is so sensitive that direct stimulation is actually unpleasant for you, which is not uncommon, Luterman recommends using the clitoral hood to your advantage.

“Some people need to press on the hood over the clitoris to not get direct clitoral stimulation, but to use the hood almost like a foreskin would be used when masturbating without lubricant on a penis,” she explains. Explore your genitals to discover what feels best, and don’t be shy about incorporating that into your partnered play.

For many people, if a partner is going to bring them to orgasm, the mechanics only account for half the equation. There also has to be some erotic charge to the exchange, which Luterman defines as “the flow of desire communicated between two people.”

“Articulating your preference for where you’d like to be touched contributes to eroticism,” she says. If you don’t like your nipple pinched, gently offer some feedback to your partner by telling them what you’d like instead. Tell them how hot it would be if they touched around your breast, or just under your breast, or if they used their tongue instead of their finger. That erotic intimacy will help to keep you present.

It’s also important for you to buy into your erotic appeal to your partner. If you don’t feel hot, you may have trouble coming. That being said, Luterman appreciates that for many folks, this radical self-acceptance is much easier said than done. Just know that it’s okay if all your insecurities are still there in the morning—learning to let go of those is a lifelong struggle, not something that can be fixed with one good sex sesh. Your only job is to believe that your partner thinks you’re sexy right now, at this moment. (Spoiler alert: They do.) If you can buy into that, you’re one step closer to your next toe-curling orgasm.

If you’re sitting there trying to will yourself to orgasm, you might be putting too much stress on the whole thing. One fun way to take a step back is to simply have fun and playfully connect with your partner. Sure, playing sexy games will get you turned on since they likely involve stripping down or licking body parts, but they’ll also get you talking which is big for arousal and climax.

“Communication is not only a form of seduction, but a precursor that lays the foundation for more meaningful, fulfilling, and pleasurable sex,” resident sexologist at Astroglide Jess O’Reilly, PhD, previously told Cosmopolitan. From literal sex board games (yes, this is a thing) to classics like dirty truth or dare, there are a lot of options out there that can build the sexual tension and help you get closer to getting off.

“Many [people with vaginas] describe feeling ‘stuck in their heads’ and experience worrisome or anxious thoughts during sex,” says sex coach, Tamica Wilder. “Too much mind chatter is one of the quickest ways to interrupt your access to pleasure and orgasm.” Consequently, many think the answer is to get out of their heads; to disconnect; to just “calm down.”

Instead of telling her clients to relax, Luterman says it’s more helpful for them to learn the skill of focusing and refocusing their attention, part of something she calls “mindful relaxation with an erotic anticipation.”

“Whatever you’re thinking about or looking at is directly going to impact whether or not you’re turned on,” she explains. If you’re focused on the parts of your body you don’t like, or the style of grasp that your partner is using that’s not appealing to you, Luterman says to practice shifting that focus to sexier things.

“Look at your partner’s hand as they touch you. Look at how it’s moving in a way that is appealing. Think about the pace, the music that’s playing, the lighting, the feeling of the sheets, whatever variables that add to the cinematography of your movie,” she says. “By placing your attention on what is arousing to you in a mindful way, you are more likely to be effectively targeting your sensory arousal.”

Paying attention to your surroundings is great, but whoever said you couldn’t get a little fantasy help? There are tons of different types of stimuli out there just waiting to turn you on and help you climax. Try reading, watching, or listening to some sexy stuff like erotic books, ethical porn, audio porn, and even just some hot music.

Dive into these when you’re trying to get in the mood during/before masturbating, or—if you’re comfortable with it and your partner consents—as you’re going at it together. You might be surprised how much easier it is to get out of your head and stay in the moment (thus making it easier to orgasm) when you have some type of media to hold your attention.

The key to good sex might actually be just talking about sex. “When you normalize talking about sex—especially when you’re not having it—you create space in your relationships to more easily verbalize what you want in the moment,” says sex coach Myisha Battle, a sex educator at Allbodies.

In addition to chatting outside of the bedroom, don’t be afraid to use your voice while getting it on. “If you’re blocking your sounds, it’s likely you’re blocking your potential for orgasm,” notes Wilder. “When you can allow yourself to vocalize during sex and self-pleasure, you allow more blood flow to your pelvic floor, your vaginal canal, cervix, and the entire structure of your clitoris.”

While you’re getting all vocal, remember to pay attention to your breathing. Holding your breath or engaging in super rapid huffs and puffs could hinder blood circulation. To remedy this, sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes suggests focusing on breathwork. Not only will this help ensure ample blood flow gets to all your arousal organs (like your clit and your brain) that’ll help you climax, but it’ll also help you stay present in the heat of the moment.

“Focusing on your breath is the most direct way to get out of your head and into your body,” Menezes previously told Cosmopolitan. She suggests closing your eyes and breathing really deeply and slowly. Try different breathing patterns—like holding your breath in for three seconds before you exhale—to see what feels best.