23 Too-Real Tweets About Kids And New Year’s Resolutions

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Nobody can throw a wrench into your resolutions — or demonstrate the absurdity of trying to make them — quite like your own child.

Here, some of the funniest parents on X (formerly Twitter) wax oh-so-honestly about what it means to make New Year’s resolutions when you have kids, and what it is that kids think the word “resolution” means.

Had a talk with the kids at dinner about New Year’s resolutions but I guess the 6yo doesn’t quite grasp the concept because she went around the table and told each of us what SHE thinks WE should do better and…..you guys I think she might be onto something.

— Dinah (@dinahaddie) January 2, 2024

😆 Kids New Year’s resolution?

Make dad build a new bed 😂😂

Thanks kid… that’s not how this works

— ExplodingPossum (@ExplodingPossum) January 1, 2024

[January 1st]

My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less takes a very bad turn.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 1, 2022

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…

“Eat more butter”

“Build a mud hut”

“Learn to drive”

“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”

“Make a new language”

“Invent Google”

— George Pointon (@GeorgePointon_) January 4, 2022

for 2024 i’ve made a resolution to be the parent i always thought i’d be before i had kids. the first step will be getting rid of the kids.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 2, 2024

A mom’s New Year resolutions:

Less pants, more leggings, and a heck of a lot more pajamas.

— yelisa (@beingyelisa) December 29, 2017

Taught my son about New Year’s resolutions. He resolved to be a giraffe.

— The Dad (@thedad) December 31, 2018

I thought about setting a New Years Resolution to never yell at our kids.

But I changed it to losing 50 pounds, training a baby elephant to read Shakespeare, and running a 100 mile ultramarathon while wearing a Donald Duck costume.

Because I want the goal to be attainable.

— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) January 1, 2020

Me: [Explained New Year’s resolution to Kid #1] Have one?

Kid #1: Yes, to do better at math-

Me: Wow! Wasn’t expecting that.

Kid #1: So I can go to college, buy a big house & be my OWN BOSS & do what I WANT.

— Rebecca (@fosterhood) January 2, 2021

My toddler’s New Years resolution is to push every button, beep every beep, and make me lose the last shreds of sanity, patience, and scalp hair that’s left to me.

Happy New Year my ass.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) December 31, 2019

New Years Resolutions last week: Drink less, Get fit, Spend more time with my kids.

New Years Resolutions this week: Spend less time drinking around my fit kids.

— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 14, 2020

My 8yo told me her New Year’s resolution is not to step on anthills if anyone needs a lesson in realistic goal-setting.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 13, 2018

Went shopping and asked my 4 year old if he could please make it an easy trip and he replied “I WILL NEVER MAKE IT EASY!” so I guess his New Year’s resolution is to get into resistance training.

— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) January 15, 2019

Me: My new years resolution in 2020? I’m gonna try and be more patient and understandin-

Kid: my spaghetti touched my corn

Me:

Kid: I need new spaghetti

Me:

Kid: and corn

Me: 2021 will be a new me

— The Dad (@thedad) January 2, 2020

on the bus.

kid 1: my new years resolution is to be less annoying

kid 2: good luck with that

kid 1: yeah, it’s gonna be a toughie.

same, tbh.

— Kate (@katestark) December 3, 2019

Today I told Jack that his New Year’s resolution should be to not kick daddy in the face quite so often.

He laughed.

So I’m not feeling hopeful with that one.#NewYearsResolutions

— Jack’s Dad (@DaddingAround) December 31, 2017

Discussing New Year’s resolutions with the kids and my 4-year-old’s resolution is “face painting.” I believe in her.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) January 1, 2024

If my kids made New Year’s resolutions they’d look something like this:

Convince mom to turn off screen time

Annoy siblings more often

Ask for money at least twice a week

Convince mom that roblox is educational

Eat more chicken nuggets

Ask WHY in a whiny voice everyday

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) December 31, 2022

We’re testing out an early New Year’s celebration for the kids, changed the clocks to 3 hours ahead. Wish us luck, because nothing says “New Year’s Resolution” quite like beginning 2024 with a lie.

— Matt Loveless (@MattLoveless) January 1, 2024

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) January 1, 2021

One New Years resolution was to limit the Ali Household Lego collection. My in laws and their kids are visiting. Like my son, they are Lego fans. Today, Lego received an entire new year’s haul of fresh sets.

Annnnnd one resolution already broken by noon. Sigh. The day is young.

— Wajahat Ali (@WajahatAli) January 1, 2023

I suppose you can never be too young to make New Year’s resolutions.

Today, my 3 year-old had a tantrum because his waffles were too fluffy & I guess he’s determined to be my 2nd favorite kid.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) January 3, 2021

Asked the kids what they thought my new year’s resolution should be, and the 8yo said “You should dance more,” so that’s mine. 💃 💕#mumlife

— Ellie Hawkes (@elspells13) December 31, 2023

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